I can feel The Beast banging on my door, banging on my windows. I can’t let it in, but it’s right there, about to break in on its own. Not long ago, this very beast would break down the door and smash in all the windows without much effort every single month. I couldn’t control it, it would completely take over and did it’s very best to ruin my life. Not this time, I’m not going to let it. It’s there, but it can’t get in any more. At times it puts cracks in the wall and I fear that it’s about to break in again, but no longer. The walls have been reinforced, the windows are shatter-proof. The Beast has weakened, and no longer has the strength to fight the reinforcements. This beast, called PMDD, no longer takes over my life 2-3 weeks out of the month.
How have I been able to keep The Beast at bay? I’m being treated for cervical and uterine inflammation, with injections of antibiotics and anti-inflammatories directly into my cervix. The second phase of this treatment is cryo-surgery, but not the typical palliative cryo-surgery, this surgery is quite complicated, requiring the doctor to acquire special tools in order to perform the surgery, not only on the cervix, but also through the inside of the uterus. This surgery removes any residual damaged tissue, and any remaining PMDD symptoms go away. Unfortunately, my doctor has not yet learned how to perform the cryo-surgery, which means that I (and his other PMDD patients) must return to his office for a monthly treatment, once the initial weekly treatment phase has been completed (typically 7-10 weeks). It’s just before these monthly treatments that The Beast tries to make its way back into my life.
I try not to talk about my lingering symptoms, mainly because I don’t want to complain, really, they are nothing in comparison to the symptoms that I used to experience. I feel pretty good 90% of the time, but when I ovulate–and I can always tell when I’m about to ovulate–I get shaky again, nervous, jittery. My immune system seems to shut down and I feel like I’m about to catch a cold. I get angry easily, I want to eat everything in sight, I just want to lie down and sleep all day long. Only, I don’t. I admit, I do eat more than I should, but I’m able to stop. I don’t lie down all day, I’m able to resist the urge. I will pop 10mg of Celexa if I’m feeling particularly anxious, but I don’t have to rely on it. I take deep breaths, I get out of the house and exercise, I focus on showing love to those around me. I can control The Beast now. It can’t get in the house. It can’t get past the barriers I’ve set in place, and it’s weaker now, I can see that. I’m not afraid of it anymore. What was once a huge hairy monster with long claws and fangs is now a much smaller version of itself, it’s fangs are just teeth now, the claws have been trimmed. It’s no longer going to devour me and spit me out when it’s done with me. It bangs on the wall, makes a feeble attempt to break in, but goes away after I receive my monthly treatment.
I look forward to my doctor learning to perform the cryo-surgery phase of this treatment. I told him that I would be his “guinea pig.” I would be happy to be the first patient that he performs this phase of the treatment on, just as I was the first patient of his to try the Lolas Treatment. I look forward to this, because I want to see The Beast out of my life, once and for all.
No Beast. You can’t consume me or my life anymore.